Even
those with opposing answers to that question can agree that — at the very least
— it’s complicated. And the verdict becomes even more muddled when the
realities of life are factored in.
Take, for
example, last Tuesday’s “Dear Prudence”
advice column on Slate.
A 32-year-old woman
discovers that her husband has been having an affair and wonders whether to
confront him. The catch? She’s dying of a terminal illness — she has six to
eight months to live — and her husband has been a tremendous source of support
to her.
She writes:
My
husband has been amazingly supportive of me during this time…A few weeks ago
while using his iPad to watch a movie, an email came in and I discovered he has
been having an affair (emotional and sexual) with a co-worker for a few months
now. For several days I cried, heartbroken at the betrayal, but now I feel like
my husband deserves to have someone help him and support HIM through this
emotional time…Do I confront my husband and tell him I understand? That
although I am hurt, I forgive him and I don’t want him to feel guilty? Or do I
just keep quiet and let him continue? If our families find out after I’m gone,
I’m worried they will think ill of him, and I don’t want that either.
Emily
Yoffe — or “Prudence” — advised the woman to
consider hiring a therapist to help her work through the trauma. She also
suggested that the woman confront her husband in a compassionate, loving way.
She writes:
This will
be a hard, tearful discussion, but it will also probably be relief of a
terrible, guilt-ridden burden for him. As for your family, you are very
thoughtful to consider that if after your death it ever comes out there was
someone else in his life, he will turn from angel to devil. You don’t have to
tell anyone else about this. But as you say your farewells to those closest to
you, you can allude to it. Perhaps you can tell your family that you want them
to know that life can be so difficult and complicated and that through all of
it your husband has been everything you wanted.
Not all
professionals agree. Attorney Laurie Israel
suggested that the woman proceed without confronting her husband.
“It would
be a great gift to the husband, who is giving his wife his attention and loving
care through her illness,” Israel wrote in an e-mail to HuffPost Divorce.
“Mutual marital processing of this affair under this unusual situation would
lead to nothing positive, and it will be to the detriment of the quality of
whatever time they have left. It would show great compassion and restraint for
the wife to keep silent, and it would be a great gift to the husband who was
faithful in the important ways during her illness. Without the pain brought
about by disclosure, he would have a much greater chance to repartner with his
lover after his wife’s death. That’s a wonderful gift she can give him, this
faithful man who is her husband.”
Tammy
Nelson, a relationship therapist and author of “The New Monogamy; Redefining Your
Relationship After Infidelity,” acknowledged that the choice is a
difficult one, but that the husband’s affair may indeed be his way of coping
with the illness. To get clarity about this decision, she suggests writing a
letter to the husband as if he is reading it after the woman is gone.
“Tell him
that you knew about the affair and that you were hurt but you understood. And
that you forgive him,” she said via e-mail. “Perhaps writing the letter will
release the feelings that are weighing you down, and will put your fears to
rest about his future and any possible repercussions. Or it may make it clear
to you that you don’t want to wait until you are gone to talk with him. Either
way, no matter what you decide, your husband’s love is not diminished by his
affair. Don’t let yourself rewrite the history of your marriage because of his
indiscretion. People do things when they are grieving and frightened that they
might not do under normal circumstances.”
What do
you think?
Read
more: Huffington Post
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