Sunday, 7 April 2013

Relationship: Should I Go After Him Or Give It Time?

I struggled with sending this email but I'm losing my mind so I hope your readers can help me. I apologise if you have addressed a similar issue previously but I couldn't find anything so here it goes....
I met a great guy some years ago now. It was like fate because he was in a different country but his friend met me and instantly thought we'd click. He was right, we did. We talked on the phone for about 3 months and then work took me to his location so we met in person. He had visa issues so he couldn't come to me in case you wondered. Before I went, we had great communication and we talked every day and for several hours on the weekend. He told me a lot of things, some that were very sensitive (visa situation e.g.) and he also opened up about his family etc.

I knew I was developing feelings for him but I forced myself to wait till I met him in person before I truly let go in case I wasn't physically attracted to him (seen him on skype but still needed to see him in the flesh) but the minute I laid eyes on him my heart leapt out of my body and right into his hands. Sadly, he didn't return the favour and whilst we spent all my free time together, he would just stare at me and say he liked me but he needed to process what to do with the relationship.

This led to a lot of frustration on my part (after all, I'd given our children names in my head) so the idea of "let's take it one day at a time" was the last thing I wanted to hear. We kissed but never went further but he bought me flowers and took me to lunches and dinners. I met all his friends and attended church with him. I left frustrated that he hadn't committed but glad I had a good time.
I'm ashamed to say, I hounded him daily with questions like where are we going? What are we doing? How do you feel? Completely oblivious to his situation at the time ( struggling, not able to work whilst waiting for papers), all I could think about was how we were both mid to late 30s and we needed to marry. After all, I accepted him with all his problems so what was the issue? I was so childish, it didn't even occur to me that I couldn't move to his location because I didn't have the visa either but I was in love and I thought that was enough.
Eventually, he had enough of my nagging and he walked away. He stopped taking my calls and wouldn't respond to my emails or texts. As we were not in the same country, I couldn't physically go to beg him and I was too ashamed to involve the cousin so I just let it burn and try to get over the pain. It messed me up so badly, I started to go to counselling. There, in the last 6months, I've learnt to see my mistakes. I'm not saying he was perfect but I definitely handled things terribly. I used to get so emotional that I would yell, cry, scream, anything to manipulate him into moving faster. He never said he didn't care or me, all he said was wait.

I was sad that I could have contributed to the demise of our relationship but I finally accepted the situation and started to move on. Suddenly, without warning, I got an email from him (nearly a year after we last spoke) and all it said was "I was wrong, can I call you?".

Stunned, I froze but eventually agreed to talk to him. He missed the time he was meant to call and I went beserk. All the counselling went out the window as the rawness of the pain came back and I felt abandoned all over again (all this because he didn't call when he said he would) and I sent him the rudest ugliest email, called him names and showed out all over again.

I realised my mistake as soon as I hit send but it was too late. I had to email him an apology and ask him to please call. He replied he would but he just was scared of my anger. Eventually he called and no, he wasn't looking to rekindle, he just wanted to apologise for disappearing.

That was 3 months ago and he never called me back but I can't stop thinking about this man. I still have very strong feelings and I am still going to counselling to deal with my anger issues but of course, he doesn't know that. I've been thinking of flying out to where he is. I just can't let it go till I see it in his eyes. A part of me believes he may still have had feelings for me when he emailed me after so long but I blew it.

So what do you think? Should I just forget about this or should I follow my heart and see if seeing him face to face would make a difference? I'm so confused right now but I'm very close to booking the ticket. I plan to stay in a hotel and only call him on landing.
 Please help!!!

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